Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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