I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
