I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
