LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
