he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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