I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
