Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
