my vag is so smooth its legendary
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
