i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
