i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
