Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
