JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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