i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
