I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
