just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
