I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
