The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How's work?
Spinning.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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