My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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