she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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