i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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