dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize