i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
