Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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