Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Come share oat with me in your robe
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
