K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
