so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
