every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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