It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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