Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize