tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
