SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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