how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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