if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
