You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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