I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
