I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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