Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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