3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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