so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
