she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize