ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
