I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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