I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
