and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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