there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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