sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
