i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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