dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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