see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
