i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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