I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
