I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
