I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How's work?
Spinning.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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