OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
