dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
