so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize