I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I need to align my fucking chakras
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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