remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
