Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
