so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
