I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
