already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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